Season 1, Episode 10: "Nightmares"

Original Air Date: 5/12/97

I have a nightmare. It starts out like a normal day. I head to the gym, pick out a machine, and start up my Buffy episode. Then suddenly, Netflix freezes and I'm forced to continue on the elliptical for a sweaty Buffy-less eternity, flanked between a taut gym bunny and an elderly man (both going warp speed faster than me with inhuman ease), while the gym radio plays Kid Rock and the TV in front of me is set to Fox News. But this was no nightmare... THIS ACTUALLY HAPPENED!

Dear God, make me a bird, so I can fly far, far, far away from here...

Day 2: I face my fears and return to the gym. After a rocky start, the wifi is working, and all is right with the world. 

I feel like this episode pulls the show out of the mid-season slump. There's a fair mix of fun, supernatural intrigue, and emotional depth- all classic Buffy markers. As the title would suggest, this episode centers on nightmares becoming reality-- it's at first implied that this is the Master's doing, but later revealed to be the projections of a little boy stuck in a nightmarish coma. Don't try to think it through too much. Giles basically shrugs and offers the catch-all explanation: "Hellmouth". 

Many of the living nightmares are harmless, even ridiculous- spiders crawl out of a book, Buffy can't even answer her name correctly on a test, Giles can't read, Willow has to sing in front of a crowd, Cordelia has (gasp) bad hair, and Xander goes to class in his underwear and gets chased by an evil clown. While it's Xander's nightmare, I think it may be Nicholas Brendon's fantasy. I have a feeling he slipped one of the writers a 20 and said "Throw in a scene where I can show off my rockin' biceps and abs. Also, I'd really like to punch a clown..." 

Other nightmares are darker and reveal the fears buried deep in the characters' psyches. Most notably, when Buffy's dad arrives for a weekend visit and sits her down to tell her that her parents' divorce was entirely her fault and she's a complete disappointment. This scene is done well. You don't see the nightmare coming, which makes it all the more heart-wrenching. And SMG really brings her acting A-game in this scene. 

You're sullen and... rude and... you're not nearly as bright as I thought you were going to be... 

Could you stand to live in the same house with a daughter like that?

More fears are revealed as Buffy is buried alive and comes back as a vampire. When they come upon Buffy's grave, Giles explains that this is his nightmare- that he will fail to protect Buffy. This theme is explored at several other points in the series (notably in "Helpless" and the song "Standing" in "Once More, with Feeling"). I think that's what I like most about this episode-- that early on it lays out the insecurities that will run throughout Buffy's character arc. Failing the test represents her fear that she is not smart enough and will never function in "normal" life. Turning into a vampire represents both her fear of failure and her worry that she could give in to the darkness. And most significant, the conversation with her father shows her ongoing fear that she is poison and ruins the lives around her- a fear that will grow deeper and deeper as the series goes on. 

The framing of the nightmares through the kid in the coma (who it turns out was put there by an abusive Little League coach) is a plot device I could have done without. I also can't decide if it is referential to other stories that show children fighting their worst fears come to life (IT, Nightmare on Elm Street: Dream Warriors) or if it's just a straight up copy. It is also painfully corny at times and there's a lot holes in the story. Yet that scene between Buffy and her dad is SO powerful... Is this a good episode or not?
I'll split the difference. 2/4 Mr. Pointy's. 

Most Dated Line/Reference:
See these guys. 

They're supposed to be the school badasses. When I first saw them I assumed that some character must be living a nightmare about being in a live production of Grease. But, no, the nightmare is that the head greaser's mommy comes to school and pinches his cheeks, which could work as a cute joke if they didn't seem to have arrived in a time machine. Was 1997 still too early to use wannabe gangstas or closeted self-hating jocks as the school tough guys?

Favorite Retro Fashion Moment: 

I'm digging Willow's polka dot dress and green tights.
But can we have a conversation about Xander's choices here?

Workout Summary: 
Day 1: 2.9 miles on elliptical; 426 calories slayed.
Day 2: 35 minutes on elliptical; 345 calories slayed. 

Season 1, Episode 9: "The Puppet Show"

Original Air Date: 5/5/97

Hyenas, robots, puppets... Wasn't this a show about vampires?

Just as "In every generation, there is a Chosen One"; in every supernatural TV series, there is a possessed ventriloquist dummy episode. This is Buffy's. 

The episode opens on Cordelia tunelessly belting out "Greatest Love of All" in rehearsal for the Sunnydale High talent show. We see the debut of Armin Shimerman as hard-boiled Principal Snyder (you guys remember that the last principal was eaten by hyena people, right? Just checking). He asserts his authority by forcing Buffy, Willow and Xander to join the talent show as a punishment. 

He's the H.F.I.C.- Head Ferengi In Charge

Let's meet some of our talent show performers: we've got a magician, ballerina, juggler, a tuba player, a couple of gymnasts, and of course, a ventriloquist- Morgan the ventriloquist and his gravel-voiced dummy, Sid. Their act is very "Take my wife, please!" with a side of "Hubba, Hubba" (If Sid were reading this, he'd say "You call this a blog? My unda-wear's made of better material. OH!").

Next morning, the ballerina is found dead with her heart missing. The gang reasons it is either a standard homicide or a demon set on harvesting organs to gain human form. There's a classic Law and Order style montage of Buffy and friends interviewing the talent show members about the ballerina's last whereabouts.

"I didn't talk to her much, but I DID see her talking to that weirdo ventriloquist dude..." DUN DUN...

Cue a series of creepy puppet scenes. You can probably guess what they are-- Ventriloquist is caught arguing with the dummy, pretends to be practicing; Dummy appears to have mind of its own; Dummy gets out of control, magically goes missing from a stored location. 

But to our surprise, it turns out that Sid is not a demon, but a demon hunter who was cursed to live in puppet form. So, just to clarify, this means that before he was a ventriloquist's dummy, Sid was a horny Borscht Belt comedian who spent his spare time tracking monsters? I want to see THAT origin story. 

So if it's not Sid- who is the murderer? Not Morgan- he winds up dead (RIP). Is it Principal Snyder? The tuba player? Is it Sid after all? Nope, It's the fucking MAGICIAN! Of course! The natural enemy of the ventriloquist! I mean, ventriloquists and magicians are like the Crips and Bloods of Vaudeville- only GOB Bluth can straddle the line. Little Magician guy tries to kill Giles in a guillotine to harvest his brain. Luckily, he uses one of those special TV ropes that takes several ax swings to cut, leaving time for Buffy, Xander and Willow to jump in and save the day. Then the nerdy magician kid transforms into a yucky amphibious beast and fights Buffy. Fret not, friends, the ventriloquist dummy helps the vampire slayer kill the swamp demon (is that a sentence you thought you'd read today?). Now, with his mission complete, Sid's soul is freed from its puppet prison and he dies. Meanwhile, this ass-clown lives on to do decades of shitty specials. 

There's the real evil in the world. 1/4 Mr. Pointy's. 

Most Dated Line/Reference:
Xander: So, the dummy tells us that he's a demon hunter. And we're, like, fine, la la la la. He takes off, and now there's a brain. Does anybody else feel like they've been Keyser Soze'd?

Wait, I take that back. A good Keyser Soze reference is never out of style. Instead, I'll nominate Buffy's OG bottle of Victoria Secret Forbidden Fantasy lotion. 

Favorite Retro Fashion Moments: 

Rubber Duckie Tee

Willow's Yellow Sneaks with Black Tights

Workout Summary: 2 miles on treadmill; 360 calories slayed. 

Season 1, Episode 8: "I Robot, You Jane"

Original Air Date: 4/28/97

Willow gets catfished by a demon.

Pick out your screen name, kiddies, today we're taking a look at love in the time of dial-up. Early depictions of the internet were ridiculously corny- see "The Net", "Hackers"- and this BTVS ep. is no exception.

In this (horribly titled) episode, Willow scans an ancient text into the library database and unknowingly releases a long-trapped demon into the internet. Next thing you know, he's all "Hey Willow, a/s/l? Wanna cyber?"

Like most women who came of age in the heyday of AOL, I had a few internet boyfriends in high school. There wasn't much remarkable about any of them, I even remember finding most of them annoying. But they were guys my age (presumably) who were giving me their attention, which was more than what I had going on IRL. So I can empathize with Willow in this episode- online, she gets to be The Buffy, and that's hard to resist. I am grateful that my teen years happened to fall in that moment in technology when interaction was easy but it was still 100% possible to maintain anonymity. Sending a pic was a multi-step process: You had to blindly take a photo with your wind-up camera (no instant viewing to perfect the double-chin reducing head tilt), walk to Walgreen's, spend 7 bucks, wait a week, pick them up, go to Kinkos (or a rich aunt's house) to scan it and then wait for it to upload line by line. There's a lot of opportunities in there to rethink your choices. If it had been as easy as snapping a selfie in my bedroom and sending it off, I don't know that I can confidently say that some rando dude in Michigan wouldn't have half-nude pics of an eager-to-please 15 year-old me right now.   

Back to the show. Our adorable Willow falls hard for "Malcolm" (aka Molluck the Corruptor) and Buffy and Xander get suspicious. Meanwhile, Mr. Corruptor uses the interwebs to wreak some havoc and enlists the help of a couple of Sunnydale red-shirts, Dave and Fritz, to do his bidding, which includes attempting to kill Buffy. There's a pretty dark 

scene where Dave is yelling at the computer, saying that he won't hurt anyone and then suddenly a suicide note comes out of the printer and Fritz is given the order to eliminate him. Here is Buffy and Xander's emotional reaction to finding their classmate dead:

Buffy:  Dave. He's dead.

Giles:  How?

Buffy:  Well, it looks like suicide.

Xander:  With a little help from my friends?

Buffy:  Yeah. I'd guess Fritz.

Again, are they ALREADY so jaded to peer death?

Molluck and his minions take over an abandoned tech company and craft him a Mega-Tron style robot body that he uses to try to kill Willow and take over the world. I remember real-life meetups with some of my AOL crushes- they were only slightly less awkward than this (and yes, Mom, I went with a group to a public location). Conveniently, we learn that hot computer teacher Miss Calendar identifies herself as a "techno pagan" (groan) and she gathers a digital coven to re-trap Molluck (while having some cute flirtatious moments with Giles). 

Ugh, you SO do not look like your profile pic.

Willow is left heartbroken. She thought she finally found someone who understood her and wanted her, only to discover that it was all a fraud. Hang in there Willow, whether you're a 16 y/o dorky romantic, or someone trying to wade through the first season of Buffy: I promise you, it gets better.  

This one is fun for its camp-factor, but that's about it: 1/4 Mr. Pointy's. 

Most Dated Line/Reference: 
There's some serious contenders in this episode- a lot of talk of "cyberspace", "The Web", at one point Buffy says "e-letter," but the prize has got to go to this angry rant by Fritz:
"The printed page is obsolete. Information isn't bound up anymore. It's an entity. The only reality is virtual. If you're not jacked in, you're not alive."

Oh, and there's also this:

I think if I showed this picture to my niece,
she'd assume this dude is playing a game of Battleship. 

Favorite Retro Fashion Moments:

Buffy's surveillance outfit: Brown Crushed Velvet Trench-coat and Orange-rimmed Glasses.  

Aw, you guys remember when this cat icon was everywhere?

Workout Summary: 2.7 miles on Elliptical, 380 calories slayed. 

Season 1, Episode 7: "Angel"

Original Air Date: 4/14/97

Buffy finally makes out with Angel and learns that he can leave a mean hickey.


If you happen to be experiencing BTVS for the first time as you read this blog, you may be rolling your eyes, thinking "Let me guess: Girl meets mysterious boy. Girl kisses boy. Boy turns out to be a vampire". Okay, but keep in mind that before Twilight, True Blood, The Vampire Diaries (*deep breath*), Underworld, Being Human, Moonlight, Demons, Lost Girl, Vampire Academy, Bitten, Sanctuary, Vamps, Supernatural, and My Babysitter's a Vampire... this was still a gasp-worthy plot twist. And it's a solid episode. Here's how it all goes down:

Buffy and Angel have been flirting and angling their pelvises towards each other all season. This time, Angel saves Buffy from "The Three" (beefy vamps who appear to work at Medieval Times) and they rush to her house for some sexy first aid. Angel spends the night (on the floor) and the next day, he tells Buffy that he needs to stay away from her because their attraction is too strong and he is, as he puts it, "older than her". But they do kiss and when they do, Angel gets a little too excited (no, in his face). Buffy sees him go all vampy and he runs away. 

I remember watching this scene as a teenager and thinking it was totally hot. Today, I felt a slight cringe factor. I mean, Angel IS older than Buffy. Vampirism aside, dude's like 27 and Buffy's 16. If he were a human, his mission wouldn't be to protect the Slayer; it'd be to meet all his neighbors in accordance with Meghan's Law. But, he's not a decade older, he's centuries older, so it's all cool. 

Anyway, Buffy is left with a lot of questions: Is Angel evil? If he is, why didn't he kill her when he had the chance? Has he been helping her as part of a trap this whole time? Does he just keep washing the one white v-neck t-shirt or does he buy those Hanes multi-packs?

The gem of this episode is that we learn Angel's origin story. Turns out, Darla (pictured) turned Angel back in 18th century Ireland. The two became somewhat of an undead power couple (likely called "Dangel" by the vampire tabloids of the time), spending a century and or so globetrotting, causing havoc, and feasting on the innocent. Then one day, Angel takes a bite out of the wrong gypsy girl and her clan punishes him with the greatest torture they can summon: the restoration of his soul. This means that Angel now has a conscience and has to live with guilt of all the heinous acts he committed while soulless. It's kind of like that time David Hasselhoff's daughter showed that video of him sloppily eating a hamburger while he was blackout drunk-- except Angel's video is over 100 years long and instead of a hamburger, it's thousands of Europeans. 

Darla still carries a torch for Angel and plots to turn the Slayer against him by attacking Buffy's mom and making it look like Angel's to blame. Cut to final showdown at The Bronze: Buffy and Angel trade blows; Darla tries to off Buffy gangsta-style; Buffy learns the truth about Angel; and Darla gets dusted. 

I hold back on giving this one a perfect score just because it gets a little corny in the final fight with Darla. 3/4 Mr. Pointy's. 

Most Dated Line/Reference: 
No one line in particular, but Darla (played by Julie Benz, aka Rita from Dexter) appears to be doing a Joey Lauren Adams impression the entire episode like she drove over straight from the Chasing Amy premiere. 

Favorite Retro Fashion Moments: 

Buffy's Black Crocheted Top

Willow's Blue Suede Platform Loafer (Squashed Roach Included)

Workout Summary: 3 miles on elliptical; 431 calories slayed. 

"You have no idea what it's like to have done the things I've done... and care."
I feel ya, Angel. This is also how I feel looking back on my past donut consumption.
--Andi the Calorie Slayer

Season 1, Episode 6: "The Pack"

Original Air Date: 4/7/97

Xander starts hanging with a new crowd, pictured here:

Remember how last episode ended on a cliffhanger? The Anointed, the one prophesied to drag the Slayer to Hell, rolled into town. So, clearly, the next episode would pick up there, and we'd learn what evil plot The Master has in store for Buffy, right?

Nope. We're going to take an unnecessary field trip to the zoo where the school bullies (plus Xander) get possessed by hyenas. That's right, hyenas. Ugh. I put the treadmill on full incline because this episode is a fucking climb.

Sometimes BTVS artfully draws the comparison between the pain of adolescence and supernatural forces (see, "The Witch") and, sometimes, it hits you right over the head with it. We get it--in high school, the strong prey on the weak.

After getting hyena-fied, Xander and his new buds go menacing 'round town, growling and laughing, handing out tired insults like telling an overweight guy "Shouldn't you be hovering over the football stadium with Good Year written on you?" (fellow chubs know that kids have way more creative fat kid insults than that). And just in case anyone watching hasn't picked up on the metaphor yet, let's throw some dodge balls at this dead horse. At the worst points, Xander is painfully cruel to Willow and a little rape-y to Buffy (yeesh). Oh, and the pack also eats the school mascot and the principal. Fun.

R.I.P. Herbert and Principal Flutey

He's psyching up for a Cowboys game.

We ultimately find out that the possession was cooked up by a creepy zookeeper, played by a William Hurt look-alike (we'll call him William Slightly Injured). After losing his hyena spirit, Xander redeems himself by taking down William Slightly Injured before he can sacrifice Willow. And then everything goes back to normal.


Below is an artist's rendering of me after today's workout:

0/4 Mr. Pointy's.

Most Dated Line/Reference:
Buffy (about Xander): "It's safe to say that, in his animal state, his idea of wooing doesn't involve a Yanni CD and a bottle of Chianti."

Yeah, I hope it doesn't in his human state, either. What high school sophomore is turned on by melodic keyboards and dry wine?

Favorite Retro Fashion Moment: 

Pink Satin Oriental-Inspired Mini, Pin-up Baby-Doll Tee, and Boots

Topped off with a Beanie, Alex Mack style. 

Workout Summary: 1.6 miles on inclined treadmill; 380 calories slayed. 

Season 1, Episode 5: "Never Kill a Boy on the First Date"

Original Airdate: 3/31/97

Can the Slayer date?

Buffy's got a crush on Owen- a cute boy picked up from 90210's central casting, who enjoys reading Emily Dickinson and is psyched about visiting a funeral home. I met some guys like that in high school. But they didn't look like Owen. They had ample forehead acne, greasy goth hair, and the particular brand of BO that comes from wearing a velvet overcoat in July. Owen manages to break through his sheepishness and asks Buffy out. 

Meanwhile, a prophecy's afoot. I'll let The Master lay it out for you: 

"There will be a time of crisis, of worlds hanging in the balance. And in this time shall come the Anointed, the Master's great warrior. And the Slayer will not know him, will not stop him. And he will lead her into Hell. As it is written, so shall it be. Five will die, and from their ashes the Anointed shall rise. The Brethren of Aurelius shall greet him, and usher him to his immortal destiny." Blah, blah, blah...                                                     

The rest of the episode is Buffy juggling between dating and slaying in classic Three's Company style: "Hey, you know where would be a fun place for a double date? The Sunnydale Funeral Home!" They succeed in taking down a tatted up vampire who they believe to be "The Anointed". 

For some reason, he yells "Frank and Beans" while he hunts. I guess he caught an early screening of There's Something About Mary?

In the end, Owen sees Buffy's dangerous life as a plus, and Buffy sees that as a minus. So she says goodbye. 

The closing shot reveals that The Anointed is not the ex-murderer hillbilly they defeated at the funeral home, but instead a creepy little kid (to be continued...). 

This episode is alright. It advances the season's story line and does a good job of showing Buffy struggling to be a normal teen while the fate of the world depends on her, but it's just kind of... boring. Kind of like Owen, himself- he's nice enough to look at, he's sweet, but how long can you talk about Emily Dickinson?

2/4 Mr. Pointy's

Most Dated Line/Reference: 
The line that ran in a 1000 promo's...
Buffy: "If the apocalypse comes, beep me."

Favorite Retro Fashion Moments: 

Buffy's Tiggerrific hoodie. PLUR, Buffy, PLUR

Cordelia's crimped hair and vamp lipstick.

Workout Summary: I'm a little fuzzy on the numbers because half-way through, my boobs hit the Emergency Stop lever and the treadmill reset. Yeah, that was fun. 
Approximately 2 miles on the treadmill; 350 calories slayed. 

"I'll just jump in my time machine, go back to the twelfth century and ask the vampires to postpone their ancient prophecy for a few days while you take in dinner and a show."

Season 1, Episode 4: "Teacher's Pet"

Original Airdate: 3/24/97

Xander's hot for teacher and she's going to eat him alive. 

Oh, Xander... Quirky and cumbersome, deluding yourself that you can compete with the likes of Angel for Buffy's affection, all the while, you've got perfectly adorable Willow, ready to accept you and all your flaws. I guess I played Willow to a fair share of Xanders in my day- trading Kevin Smith and Seinfeld quotes after school, then chatting on AIM about the hot mysterious girl they wish would notice them. "But I'm ALL Milhouse!" I'd fume. Once, a guy made out with me and literally within an hour, asked me to help him pick a corsage for the girl he was going to take to prom. And did I put him in his place? Let him know I was a full person and you can't pick and choose how and when you use people? No, I helped him pick a fucking corsage. But I digress...

Our episode opens with a Xander dream sequence in which Buffy swoons over his amazing ability to punch a dude and then shred a generic guitar solo, before he awakens in Dr. Gregory's Bio lab. Dr. Gregory tells Buffy she's got a good head on her shoulders. Then he loses his.

Oh, Xander. I just love a man in Union Bay. 

Enter Miss French, looking like she stepped off the cover of 1997's Marie Claire, to teach Bio and seduce the boys of Sunnydale. I did a lot of eye-rolling re-watching this one. It's just too quaint- "Miss French is some kind of super mantis," "No way! We were just studying the mating habits of praying mantis in Biology!" Will there also be a Ben Franklin demon to represent what they're learning in History?

There's also a big deal made about the fact Miss French preys on virgins- as in "Haha Xander's a virgin". I hate when shows do this. Statistically more kids in high school are virgins than not (even in today's Molly and Snapchat universe). So when media portray it as otherwise, it just adds to kids' insecurities. 

Anyway, Buffy uses what Dr. Gregory taught her about insects to save Xander from losing it to a giant puppet She-Mantis. There's also a throwaway B-plot about a super-vamp who looks a member of Gwar. He shows up and gets staked in 2 minutes. It ends on close-up of the Bio lab closet, where we see that the she-demon HAD ALREADY LAID EGGS!!!!.... and we never hear about them ever again. 

You can skip this one. 1/4 Mr. Pointy's.

Most Dated Line/Reference:

This guy. The super cool lead singer of "Superfine" at the Bronze. They sounded like someone poured Fuel on Eve 6. 

Cool shirt, Bro. 

Favorite Retro Fashion Moment: 

I'm a sucker for plaid pants.

Workout Summary: 2.8 miles on the elliptical; 387 calories slayed.