Season 1, Episode 4: "Teacher's Pet"

Original Airdate: 3/24/97

Xander's hot for teacher and she's going to eat him alive. 

Oh, Xander... Quirky and cumbersome, deluding yourself that you can compete with the likes of Angel for Buffy's affection, all the while, you've got perfectly adorable Willow, ready to accept you and all your flaws. I guess I played Willow to a fair share of Xanders in my day- trading Kevin Smith and Seinfeld quotes after school, then chatting on AIM about the hot mysterious girl they wish would notice them. "But I'm ALL Milhouse!" I'd fume. Once, a guy made out with me and literally within an hour, asked me to help him pick a corsage for the girl he was going to take to prom. And did I put him in his place? Let him know I was a full person and you can't pick and choose how and when you use people? No, I helped him pick a fucking corsage. But I digress...

Our episode opens with a Xander dream sequence in which Buffy swoons over his amazing ability to punch a dude and then shred a generic guitar solo, before he awakens in Dr. Gregory's Bio lab. Dr. Gregory tells Buffy she's got a good head on her shoulders. Then he loses his.

Oh, Xander. I just love a man in Union Bay. 

Enter Miss French, looking like she stepped off the cover of 1997's Marie Claire, to teach Bio and seduce the boys of Sunnydale. I did a lot of eye-rolling re-watching this one. It's just too quaint- "Miss French is some kind of super mantis," "No way! We were just studying the mating habits of praying mantis in Biology!" Will there also be a Ben Franklin demon to represent what they're learning in History?

There's also a big deal made about the fact Miss French preys on virgins- as in "Haha Xander's a virgin". I hate when shows do this. Statistically more kids in high school are virgins than not (even in today's Molly and Snapchat universe). So when media portray it as otherwise, it just adds to kids' insecurities. 

Anyway, Buffy uses what Dr. Gregory taught her about insects to save Xander from losing it to a giant puppet She-Mantis. There's also a throwaway B-plot about a super-vamp who looks a member of Gwar. He shows up and gets staked in 2 minutes. It ends on close-up of the Bio lab closet, where we see that the she-demon HAD ALREADY LAID EGGS!!!!.... and we never hear about them ever again. 

You can skip this one. 1/4 Mr. Pointy's.

Most Dated Line/Reference:

This guy. The super cool lead singer of "Superfine" at the Bronze. They sounded like someone poured Fuel on Eve 6. 

Cool shirt, Bro. 

Favorite Retro Fashion Moment: 

I'm a sucker for plaid pants.

Workout Summary: 2.8 miles on the elliptical; 387 calories slayed.