Season 1, Episode 7: "Angel"

Original Air Date: 4/14/97

Buffy finally makes out with Angel and learns that he can leave a mean hickey.


If you happen to be experiencing BTVS for the first time as you read this blog, you may be rolling your eyes, thinking "Let me guess: Girl meets mysterious boy. Girl kisses boy. Boy turns out to be a vampire". Okay, but keep in mind that before Twilight, True Blood, The Vampire Diaries (*deep breath*), Underworld, Being Human, Moonlight, Demons, Lost Girl, Vampire Academy, Bitten, Sanctuary, Vamps, Supernatural, and My Babysitter's a Vampire... this was still a gasp-worthy plot twist. And it's a solid episode. Here's how it all goes down:

Buffy and Angel have been flirting and angling their pelvises towards each other all season. This time, Angel saves Buffy from "The Three" (beefy vamps who appear to work at Medieval Times) and they rush to her house for some sexy first aid. Angel spends the night (on the floor) and the next day, he tells Buffy that he needs to stay away from her because their attraction is too strong and he is, as he puts it, "older than her". But they do kiss and when they do, Angel gets a little too excited (no, in his face). Buffy sees him go all vampy and he runs away. 

I remember watching this scene as a teenager and thinking it was totally hot. Today, I felt a slight cringe factor. I mean, Angel IS older than Buffy. Vampirism aside, dude's like 27 and Buffy's 16. If he were a human, his mission wouldn't be to protect the Slayer; it'd be to meet all his neighbors in accordance with Meghan's Law. But, he's not a decade older, he's centuries older, so it's all cool. 

Anyway, Buffy is left with a lot of questions: Is Angel evil? If he is, why didn't he kill her when he had the chance? Has he been helping her as part of a trap this whole time? Does he just keep washing the one white v-neck t-shirt or does he buy those Hanes multi-packs?

The gem of this episode is that we learn Angel's origin story. Turns out, Darla (pictured) turned Angel back in 18th century Ireland. The two became somewhat of an undead power couple (likely called "Dangel" by the vampire tabloids of the time), spending a century and or so globetrotting, causing havoc, and feasting on the innocent. Then one day, Angel takes a bite out of the wrong gypsy girl and her clan punishes him with the greatest torture they can summon: the restoration of his soul. This means that Angel now has a conscience and has to live with guilt of all the heinous acts he committed while soulless. It's kind of like that time David Hasselhoff's daughter showed that video of him sloppily eating a hamburger while he was blackout drunk-- except Angel's video is over 100 years long and instead of a hamburger, it's thousands of Europeans. 

Darla still carries a torch for Angel and plots to turn the Slayer against him by attacking Buffy's mom and making it look like Angel's to blame. Cut to final showdown at The Bronze: Buffy and Angel trade blows; Darla tries to off Buffy gangsta-style; Buffy learns the truth about Angel; and Darla gets dusted. 

I hold back on giving this one a perfect score just because it gets a little corny in the final fight with Darla. 3/4 Mr. Pointy's. 

Most Dated Line/Reference: 
No one line in particular, but Darla (played by Julie Benz, aka Rita from Dexter) appears to be doing a Joey Lauren Adams impression the entire episode like she drove over straight from the Chasing Amy premiere. 

Favorite Retro Fashion Moments: 

Buffy's Black Crocheted Top

Willow's Blue Suede Platform Loafer (Squashed Roach Included)

Workout Summary: 3 miles on elliptical; 431 calories slayed. 

"You have no idea what it's like to have done the things I've done... and care."
I feel ya, Angel. This is also how I feel looking back on my past donut consumption.
--Andi the Calorie Slayer

Season 1, Episode 6: "The Pack"

Original Air Date: 4/7/97

Xander starts hanging with a new crowd, pictured here:

Remember how last episode ended on a cliffhanger? The Anointed, the one prophesied to drag the Slayer to Hell, rolled into town. So, clearly, the next episode would pick up there, and we'd learn what evil plot The Master has in store for Buffy, right?

Nope. We're going to take an unnecessary field trip to the zoo where the school bullies (plus Xander) get possessed by hyenas. That's right, hyenas. Ugh. I put the treadmill on full incline because this episode is a fucking climb.

Sometimes BTVS artfully draws the comparison between the pain of adolescence and supernatural forces (see, "The Witch") and, sometimes, it hits you right over the head with it. We get it--in high school, the strong prey on the weak.

After getting hyena-fied, Xander and his new buds go menacing 'round town, growling and laughing, handing out tired insults like telling an overweight guy "Shouldn't you be hovering over the football stadium with Good Year written on you?" (fellow chubs know that kids have way more creative fat kid insults than that). And just in case anyone watching hasn't picked up on the metaphor yet, let's throw some dodge balls at this dead horse. At the worst points, Xander is painfully cruel to Willow and a little rape-y to Buffy (yeesh). Oh, and the pack also eats the school mascot and the principal. Fun.

R.I.P. Herbert and Principal Flutey

He's psyching up for a Cowboys game.

We ultimately find out that the possession was cooked up by a creepy zookeeper, played by a William Hurt look-alike (we'll call him William Slightly Injured). After losing his hyena spirit, Xander redeems himself by taking down William Slightly Injured before he can sacrifice Willow. And then everything goes back to normal.


Below is an artist's rendering of me after today's workout:

0/4 Mr. Pointy's.

Most Dated Line/Reference:
Buffy (about Xander): "It's safe to say that, in his animal state, his idea of wooing doesn't involve a Yanni CD and a bottle of Chianti."

Yeah, I hope it doesn't in his human state, either. What high school sophomore is turned on by melodic keyboards and dry wine?

Favorite Retro Fashion Moment: 

Pink Satin Oriental-Inspired Mini, Pin-up Baby-Doll Tee, and Boots

Topped off with a Beanie, Alex Mack style. 

Workout Summary: 1.6 miles on inclined treadmill; 380 calories slayed. 

Season 1, Episode 5: "Never Kill a Boy on the First Date"

Original Airdate: 3/31/97

Can the Slayer date?

Buffy's got a crush on Owen- a cute boy picked up from 90210's central casting, who enjoys reading Emily Dickinson and is psyched about visiting a funeral home. I met some guys like that in high school. But they didn't look like Owen. They had ample forehead acne, greasy goth hair, and the particular brand of BO that comes from wearing a velvet overcoat in July. Owen manages to break through his sheepishness and asks Buffy out. 

Meanwhile, a prophecy's afoot. I'll let The Master lay it out for you: 

"There will be a time of crisis, of worlds hanging in the balance. And in this time shall come the Anointed, the Master's great warrior. And the Slayer will not know him, will not stop him. And he will lead her into Hell. As it is written, so shall it be. Five will die, and from their ashes the Anointed shall rise. The Brethren of Aurelius shall greet him, and usher him to his immortal destiny." Blah, blah, blah...                                                     

The rest of the episode is Buffy juggling between dating and slaying in classic Three's Company style: "Hey, you know where would be a fun place for a double date? The Sunnydale Funeral Home!" They succeed in taking down a tatted up vampire who they believe to be "The Anointed". 

For some reason, he yells "Frank and Beans" while he hunts. I guess he caught an early screening of There's Something About Mary?

In the end, Owen sees Buffy's dangerous life as a plus, and Buffy sees that as a minus. So she says goodbye. 

The closing shot reveals that The Anointed is not the ex-murderer hillbilly they defeated at the funeral home, but instead a creepy little kid (to be continued...). 

This episode is alright. It advances the season's story line and does a good job of showing Buffy struggling to be a normal teen while the fate of the world depends on her, but it's just kind of... boring. Kind of like Owen, himself- he's nice enough to look at, he's sweet, but how long can you talk about Emily Dickinson?

2/4 Mr. Pointy's

Most Dated Line/Reference: 
The line that ran in a 1000 promo's...
Buffy: "If the apocalypse comes, beep me."

Favorite Retro Fashion Moments: 

Buffy's Tiggerrific hoodie. PLUR, Buffy, PLUR

Cordelia's crimped hair and vamp lipstick.

Workout Summary: I'm a little fuzzy on the numbers because half-way through, my boobs hit the Emergency Stop lever and the treadmill reset. Yeah, that was fun. 
Approximately 2 miles on the treadmill; 350 calories slayed. 

"I'll just jump in my time machine, go back to the twelfth century and ask the vampires to postpone their ancient prophecy for a few days while you take in dinner and a show."

Season 1, Episode 4: "Teacher's Pet"

Original Airdate: 3/24/97

Xander's hot for teacher and she's going to eat him alive. 

Oh, Xander... Quirky and cumbersome, deluding yourself that you can compete with the likes of Angel for Buffy's affection, all the while, you've got perfectly adorable Willow, ready to accept you and all your flaws. I guess I played Willow to a fair share of Xanders in my day- trading Kevin Smith and Seinfeld quotes after school, then chatting on AIM about the hot mysterious girl they wish would notice them. "But I'm ALL Milhouse!" I'd fume. Once, a guy made out with me and literally within an hour, asked me to help him pick a corsage for the girl he was going to take to prom. And did I put him in his place? Let him know I was a full person and you can't pick and choose how and when you use people? No, I helped him pick a fucking corsage. But I digress...

Our episode opens with a Xander dream sequence in which Buffy swoons over his amazing ability to punch a dude and then shred a generic guitar solo, before he awakens in Dr. Gregory's Bio lab. Dr. Gregory tells Buffy she's got a good head on her shoulders. Then he loses his.

Oh, Xander. I just love a man in Union Bay. 

Enter Miss French, looking like she stepped off the cover of 1997's Marie Claire, to teach Bio and seduce the boys of Sunnydale. I did a lot of eye-rolling re-watching this one. It's just too quaint- "Miss French is some kind of super mantis," "No way! We were just studying the mating habits of praying mantis in Biology!" Will there also be a Ben Franklin demon to represent what they're learning in History?

There's also a big deal made about the fact Miss French preys on virgins- as in "Haha Xander's a virgin". I hate when shows do this. Statistically more kids in high school are virgins than not (even in today's Molly and Snapchat universe). So when media portray it as otherwise, it just adds to kids' insecurities. 

Anyway, Buffy uses what Dr. Gregory taught her about insects to save Xander from losing it to a giant puppet She-Mantis. There's also a throwaway B-plot about a super-vamp who looks a member of Gwar. He shows up and gets staked in 2 minutes. It ends on close-up of the Bio lab closet, where we see that the she-demon HAD ALREADY LAID EGGS!!!!.... and we never hear about them ever again. 

You can skip this one. 1/4 Mr. Pointy's.

Most Dated Line/Reference:

This guy. The super cool lead singer of "Superfine" at the Bronze. They sounded like someone poured Fuel on Eve 6. 

Cool shirt, Bro. 

Favorite Retro Fashion Moment: 

I'm a sucker for plaid pants.

Workout Summary: 2.8 miles on the elliptical; 387 calories slayed. 

Season 1, Episode 3: "Witch"

Original Airdate: 3/17/97

Buffy tries out for cheerleading but hits a supernatural roadblock when someone starts hexing the girls with fun stuff like spontaneous combustion. 

Episode 3 brings us some firsts in the series: first episode to feature zero vampires; and first episode not penned by Joss himself. It's also the first time that we see the demonic presence in Sunnydale used as a metaphor for the adolescent experience. As Buffy and her mom struggle to bond, we meet Amy who appears to be killing herself (and others) trying to gain her mother's approval by making the cheerleading squad. It should be noted that this episode aired amidst the national backdrop of the Texas Cheerleader Murders when a woman was willing to commit the ultimate sin to get her daughter to the top of the human pyramid. We haven't we heard about anything like that in a while. What happened? Did parents stop CARING?

Giles: Why would someone want to harm Cordelia?

Willow: Maybe because they met her?

A nice little twist comes when we find out that Amy isn't trying to become her mother, she is her mother- compliments of a home-brewed body swapping spell (Spoiler Alert: this show is 18 years old. Don't expect spoiler alerts). As Amy explains it, "She said I was wasting my youth, so she took it." Coincidently, as I watched this, a woman half my size but twice my age hopped on the machine next to me and started cruising along at double my speed. Way to drive the message home, life.

In keeping with the theme of this episode, here are some yearbook pictures of my own mother. Gorgeous, huh? Those shoes on the right are purple leather, by the way, PURPLE LEATHER.

                                                  

Did I ever look at these photos and think "why not me?" Yeah, I guess. But my mother also revealed to me that at that time in her life, she was so fixated on her weight that she would do things like chew on paper to curb her appetite and sit in the tub to stop herself from eating. She told me that she'd since learned that health and happiness are far more important than appearance. For all the issues I've had with my weight, I've never had to deal with any parental fat-shaming. So, thank you for that, Mom. I know many are not so lucky.

Amy's mom, for instance, is a Royal Bitch with a W and thus deserves her classic "Twilight Zone" ending, forever trapped in the peak of her glory days.

Good one. 3/4 Mr. Pointy's.

Most Dated Line/Reference: 

Joyce: Look what I found. It's my yearbook from junior year. Oh, look! There I am.

Buffy: Mom, I've accepted that you've had sex. I am not ready to know that you had Farrah hair.

Joyce: This is Gidget hair. Don't they teach you anything in history?

Actually, that one's kinda cute. 

Favorite Retro Fashion Moments: 

White Polka-Dot Tights- Never out of style IMO

VELVET Acid-dyed Go-Go Dress
(complete with boots and hair)

Workout Summary: 3 miles on the elliptical; 427 calories slayed. 

"I know that I'll miss the intellectual thrill of spelling out words with my arms."

Season 1, Episode 2: "The Harvest"

Original Air Date: 3/10/97

Buffy and her new friends must stop The Master from completing "The Harvest," opening the hellmouth, and bringing about the apocalypse.

Wow, this is a well-done episode.
Admittedly, I did not see BTVS when it first aired. I came upon it in later seasons, then caught up watching in syndication. As a result, I've always shrugged off first season episodes and anything involving "The Master" as sort of hokey and "before it gets good". Totally wrong in this case. This is a perfect hour of television. It's amazing how quickly the show found it's rhythm.

"I know, if you don't go out it'll be the end of the world."

In this episode, we see all the markers that would go on to define the first few seasons: a little Vampire and Demons 101 with Giles; Buffy, Willow, Xander, and Giles working together for the first time; idiots who have no idea the fate of the world lies in the balance; some Buffy/Angel sexual tension; Buffy being a total badass (stake a vamp with a pool cue, decapitate another with cymbal); and all those clever quips in the face of danger. It really hooks you.

My only criticism would be that Willow's tepid "Well, at least you guys are okay" reaction to learning that her close friend had been killed and turned into a vampire is out of character. Miss Rosenberg should not be so blasé about such things just yet. But maybe I underestimate just how unbearable Jesse was a human boy. I mean, I only had to spend an hour with him- Willow had to put up with him for years.

4/4 Mr. Pointy's and a great end tag...

"The Earth is doomed."

Most Dated Line/Reference:
Willow tells Cordelia to submit her computer class assignment by hitting "Deliver", causing Cordelia to Delete the assignment. 

The joke still works, but it'd be absurd to think of today's mean girl not knowing her way around a keyboard- how is she supposed to cyber-bully fat girls on Instagram?

Favorite Retro Fashion Moments: 

Clear rimmed Mod sunglasses

This Daphne-esque ensemble

We also learn, between Angel and Luke, that crushed velvet jackets
are trending very high in the vampire community. 

Workout Summary: 12 miles on stationary bike; 278 calories slayed.

"This is just too much. I mean, yesterday my life's like, 'Uh-oh, pop quiz.' Today it's 'Rain of Toads'..."

Season 1, Episode 1: “Welcome to the Hellmouth”

Original Air Date: 3/10/97

"I'm Buffy. I'm new."

As far as pilots go, I feel this is a pretty good one. In fact, paired with the second episode, it’d make a semi-decent sequel to the original movie. Joss establishes the setup and characters well without being heavy-handed. We meet Buffy Summers and she’s likable- a perky and snarky vampire slayer in a mini-skirt. While she may be superficial, she is not shallow, and we see just enough of the “trying to live in two worlds” conflict to feel for her. Willow is adorable and Xander is only a little annoying. It ends on pretty lame “to be continued”, but I can forgive Joss for that- you gotta get return viewers. 

Overall, 3/4 Mr. Pointy’s. 

Most Dated Line/Reference: 

Cordelia: “Of course, we do have to test your coolness factor. You’re from LA so you can skip the written, but let’s see...

... James Spader?”

Buffy: “He NEEDS to call me.”

I feel like that one was dated when it aired. James Spader’s most recent hit at the time was “Stargate” in 1994. You guys remember all your friends swooning over “that fine guy from Stargate,” right? I like picturing “Blacklist” James Spader in a Teen Bop fold out poster. 

Favorite Retro Fashion Moments:

Chunky rings and white nail polish 

Baby Doll dresses with Grandpa Cardigans

Workout Summary: 2 miles on the treadmill; 317 calories slayed.

"Now, this is not gonna be pretty. We're talking violence, strong language, adult content..."

Hi, I’m Andi. 

Here are some things I enjoy: eating, watching TV, talking about TV, wasting time on the internet, retro fashion, and obscure pop culture references. 

Here are some things I do not enjoy: Physical activity. End of list. 

Last year, I had the fun experience of finding out that I had reached the “Extremely Obese” category on the BMI scale (Thanks, condescending disembodied Asian Wii Fit voice. I don’t come to your house and make fun of you). So, I knew I had to make some changes. I had a bit of a roller-coaster year on the scale. At the height of my weight loss, I had shed 26 pounds, now I’ve gained 14 of those back (sad face). Time to get back on the horse- but where to find the motivation? Then I remembered that in 11th grade, I lost 17 pounds by only allowing myself to watch “The Simpsons” if I was working out while they were on. It was a good strategy. This was pre-instant viewing, so if I didn’t MAKE myself get on the stair-stepper at 5pm, I was going to miss “Marge vs. the Monorail”- not an option. 

So, I’ve decided to challenge myself to get in shape by re-watching a full series while working out. Since this week marked the 18th anniversary of the premiere of BTVS, it seemed a natural choice.  Re-watching a series can be a lot like starting a new fitness regimen. Some days are fun and exciting, and lead to new realizations. Others (like Xander-centric episodes) feel long and tedious and you just have to get through them because you made a commitment, damn it! I don’t really have any set goals with this undertaking. It’s more of an experiment. Hopefully, by the time Willow goes evil, I’ll be squeezing into my yesteryear jeans. So, if you want to talk Buffy with me while I embark on this journey, I’d love for you to join in. 

Andi the Calorie Slayer